familycharms

I went to my friend’s English countryside wedding last week.  It was beautiful, simple, romantic and fun.  But it made me think of how different Western and Indian weddings are.  One is like a roast chicken meal, minimal ingredients, not that many steps but oh so satisfying to eat.  The other is akin to a biryani, a sumptuous dish with an army of ingredients and spices, multiple steps in its cooking, waves and waves of exquisite taste but liable to leave you with indigestion.

It also made me think of my parent’s wedding.  I have some scant stories and seen a few pictures but it would be so wonderful to take the time to capture the event through the eyes of Ma and Baba.  What rituals did they have? What were they thinking? How did they feel?  In their own words.  So here’s Ma’s perspective on the occasion and then Baba’s thoughts will follow in the next entry.

Ours was a very traditional arranged marriage with each other’s consent.   Arranged marriages usually conjure a picture of a practical, well planned affair, devoid of any romanctic aspect.  In my experience, far from it.  One constantly think of the distant person.  The element of surprise and anticipation  of falling in love is incredibly romantic.

Before the actual wedding came the the aashisbaad (blessings) where the groom’s side comes to bless the bride usually with  jewellery, sari and gifts including sweets and a whole fish, usually a Rohu.  Bengal being a river-rich state with abundance of varieties of fish this item has become an auspicious symbol  for weddings.  Blessings are usually done with durba ( a variety of three blade fine grass) which symbolizes long life and unhusked rice which means wealth.  After that the usual feasting.  The ceremony really drove home the point that I was really getting married and would be leaving my home which was a part of me for an unknown place. The uppermost feeling was sadness but probably a little excitement as well.

The next part was getting ready for the wedding.   As soon as the word spread, the jewelers, the cooks, the sweets makers, decorators and others flocked to the house.  Jewellery design was chosen ordered, other necessary arrangements were made, e.g making the furniture etc. which was part of the trousseau.  Maa beautifully embroidered and crocheted the bed linens, cheval sets (for dressing table) runners for sideboards, tray-cloths and teacosy covers.  It was absolutely amazing how much she did in such a short time.  Invitation lists were made.  Mejomamu designed a very simple but elegant invitation letter.  After a week or so Badomamu with badimami and Chinoodidi and chhotomamu arrived.  My three brothers helped maa and baba organise everything.  I bought my wedding sari in Kolkata with Suman mami’s help.  It was an elaborate red Benarasi with intricate gold work.

After the Aashirbaad there were other smalller ceremonies which were rather nice.  These are not religious ceremonies but what is called ” stree aachaar” ( aachaar does not mean pickle here!)  which means some rituals performed by women.  “Gaaye Holud” was basically about preparing the bride for the day.  You can call it a beauty treatment as holud (turmeric) is good for the skin.  It is done with a lot of fun, rubbing holud paste on my arms, face and feet and then washing it off with water from seven small earthen pots, again painted and decorated by Maa.  She was really an amazingly artistic woman. It was like holi with holud instead of aabir, everybody putting holud on each other and throwing water.

The next one was on the the evening before the wedding.  I do not remember the details but this is the time when bangles were put on my wrists including the “shaakhaa” the white bangle made from seashell.  The traditional music for weddings is sehnai, a wind instrument.  The musicians came and played the first few bars of music, wistful, sad and again a reminder of impending change in my life.

A few days before the wedding all my pishis with their families and other relations arrived. The house took a festive air.  Meals in the pandal, sleeping on the floor, talking half through the night.  It was so good to have them all together.  My cousins did not miss any opportunity to tease me.  T

For the wedding, our garage was turned into a huge kitchen.  True to her habit and reputation as great cook, Maa’s menu was an elaborate one.  Both Maa & Baba planned it and supervised it.  Chhotopishi also made suggestions.  There were many enormous rohu (carp) fish , caught fresh from the river Barak behind our house.  The night before all the vegetables were cleaned and cut for the next day.  The whole place are was full of aroma of lamb biryani, kebabs, daals and other delicacies.  But I had to fast as the rule required – preparation for the auspicious ceremony.

My Pishis and Maa made all the sweets, different types, different shapes most amazingly delicious sweets that was to go with me to my in-laws. Every item was made and prepared by hand with great love & care.  This custom shows off the family’s tradition, expertise and  aesthetic senses.

Finally the wedding day arrived.  In the morning my Baba performed a very beautiful ceremony to ask our ancestors for their blessings.  The wedding itself took place in the evening.  The first part was me going round the groom 7 times and then the time for the important exchange of garlands and of course the “shubha drishti” meaning the first meeting of eyes.  My first thought was – well not too bad! This ceremony is another of those rituals which does not have any religious significance but greatly appreciated and enjoyed by the onlookers.

Ma and Baba's wedding

The next part is the main ceremony – the Yagna.  My father sat on one side of the fire and the groom on the other side with both the priests. All the necessary paraphernalia  was arranged around the place where the fire was to be lit. It is a very elaborate and quite complex ceremony.  The priests chant Sanskrit mantras throughout different stages with both Baba and the groom repeating after them.  After the initial stage I was brought in and I sat next to the man who was soon to become my husband.   Suddenly the thought passed through my mind that this was the person I shall be closest to from now on.   Though I did not understand much of the mantras, they created an atmosphere of sacredness.  I only wish the Sylheti priests’ pronouncement was better.  Besides the guests, the fire is witness to the marriage.  My hand was put on the grooms hand and covered with a cloth.  Through giving offerings to the fire and chanting of mantra s my father gave me away to the man who would be his son-in-law.  Then the aanchal of my sari was tied to the groom’s uttorio (silk shawl) and we walked seven steps together.  Each step symbolised different aspects of life together. It also means if we could get through these 7 steps together then we could face life together, loving, caring and respecting each other and be for each other for whatever life presents us with.  After that the sindur ( vermillion) was put on the sinthi ( parting of hair) accompanied by relevant sanskrit verses. We became man & wife.

Next day there was another ceremony, again a mixture of Vedic and tribal rituals.  My new husband held my hand & I walked behind him, seven rounds.  After this more stree aachhar – basically some fun with the newly married couple and then the elaborate lunch.  The new son-in-law sat on a rectangular low wooden platform, called a pidi, elaborately decorated by Chhotopishi and Maa, with other invited guests.  A huge thaali with at least 20 different courses in small bowls all around it was put in front of him.  I do not know how much he managed to eat.

Then the time I was dreading came.  I left my beloved home, my parents, my brothers with tearful eyes.  I saw both Maa & Baba happy but so very sad.  My father was a stong man.  This was the first time I saw tears in his eyes.  All said goodbye to me.  I left my life as I knew it, everything familiar and dear and a part of me was left behind.   I got into the car with my new husband and left for a new life.